“You’re very fertility!” A Friend commented when she heard about my pregnancy. I would say that’s a very strange comment, yes I may be easily fertile but keeping a healthy pregnancy is the main issue for me and i think the most important part of all isn’t it?
indeed I got pregnant every year since 2017,2018 and then this year at the same timing if every pregnancy was succeed I could have 4 children now. However that’s not God’s plan for me, after 2 miscarriage I’ve been in constant worry. Worry I may have the another miscarriage again, that fear and panic attack is real whenever the thought came to my mind. I can’t do anything but pray harder and take good care of myself.
Life is fragile
Sometimes I feel the fear have steal the joy in pregnancy. It’s been tough to fight anxiety at times this pregnancy. It’s been tough to stay excited. It was tough to decide when to tell people. From a big fat positive on pregnancy kit to a healthy pregnancy to giving birth of a healthy child, it’s all works of God it’s a miracle and precious gift from above. Life can be really fragile in there you may just heard the assurance from gynae of you baby’s heartbeat the next visit you may go home with a bad news and grief the rest of your months.
I can’t imagine my life without faith and God’s word how long would I grieve after each miscarriage and how soon can I stand back up. Actually I don’t have the luxury of down time, I remembered having to continue my daily routine to take care of Chloe day after my first miscarriage, I had no help at all don’t say rest. Many pregnant women may be excited to visit gynae for ultra sound to get an update how’s baby doing but not for me, I dragged my feet to the hospital. I’m afraid the doctor expression changed after looking at the screen, the silence filled room, my heart sank, the tear rolling on my cheek quietly after doctor saw something unusual on screen. That’s my phobia, the scene I pray hard will not happen again. After months and years the memories of the heartache are still vivid.
His plan not mine
Miscarriage has changed me and taught me things. I know clearly that God alone is the one who creates and sustains life, and children are an undeserved, miraculous, and fragile gift no matter how much I try and do to protect the baby – God’s have His own plan.
God will give grace for the future according to His own timing and purpose. Every positive pregnancy test is a hope, and don’t lose hope.
This pregnancy had cross the important milestone of a healthy pregnancy at week 12 but still i’m still constantly in worry every single day. My gynae has been very positive and encouraging on last few appointment, promising is his first word. Heartbeat was strong and detailed scan on week 12 baby is really active and moving around even wave hi to us thru the screen but you don’t know what to expect for the next appointment especially for people like me who experience more than one miscarriage. So I don’t give high hope saying this could be our rainbow baby or blah blah just take it normal and go with the flow. Sometimes i hate myself for having so little faith i should just enjoy all these pregnancy moments and privileges instead of keep worry on things i can’t control but still…
that’s why i need God, He is my shelter whenever i’m weak.
I’ve been resting and napping a lot during the days thanks to Ming who arrange school bus for Chloe, and Chloe who nap and cooperate really well every day. We started tingkat for dinner too so I have one less task to do – cooking dinner. Basically my day start with natural waking up in the morning, Ming will settle Chloe and sent her to school. After wash up and breakfast I start my work for 1-2 hour then rest then prepare simple lunch for Chloe and me. I feel grateful that that i decided to let go one of the job at early stage of my pregnancy because i’m surely can’t handle it looking at my severe all-day sickness now. I’ve been vomiting after every meals i can’t keep food down, no intention of eating or urge to eat, nausea and fatigue all day and all i wanted to do was to lay down and rest. Not to mentioned my bad backache start at week 8 it was so bad that standing up from siting position give me a hard time and the sharp pain i can’t really function luckily it stop at week 11. I feel so bloated but didn’t gain any weight till week 16 because of the lack of appetite and throwing up last till week 16 which is way longer than Chloe time. But i’ll take everything as long as baby is healthy.
Caught the virus from Chloe another day before coming back from KL it was so bad even my mum got the virus, fever lasted 3 days then accompanied by some abdominal pain and developed some rashes for another 3 days. Again i’m in my worries stage that is baby doing okie with all this sickness? It is normal that i haven’t feel any kick or flutter? This pregnancy have not been smooth so far mostly because of aging and i didn’t take care of my body well last few year after Chloe born but all i can do is surrender the result to God. We are going to our scheduled check up with Prof Tee this Wednesday all i pray is baby is doing well in there.