Miscarriage worries

“You’re very fertility!” A Friend commented when she heard about my pregnancy. I would say that’s a very strange comment, yes I may be easily fertile but keeping a healthy pregnancy is the main issue for me and i think the most important part of all isn’t it?

indeed I got pregnant every year since 2017,2018 and then this year at the same timing if every pregnancy was succeed I could have 4 children now. However that’s not God’s plan for me, after 2 miscarriage I’ve been in constant worry. Worry I may have the another miscarriage again, that fear and panic attack is real whenever the thought came to my mind. I can’t do anything but pray harder and take good care of myself.

Life is fragile

Sometimes I feel the fear have steal the joy in pregnancy. It’s been tough to fight anxiety at times this pregnancy. It’s been tough to stay excited. It was tough to decide when to tell people. From a big fat positive on pregnancy kit to a healthy pregnancy to giving birth of a healthy child, it’s all works of God it’s a miracle and precious gift from above. Life can be really fragile in there you may just heard the assurance from gynae of you baby’s heartbeat the next visit you may go home with a bad news and grief the rest of your months.

The fear

I can’t imagine my life without faith and God’s word how long would I grieve after each miscarriage and how soon can I stand back up. Actually I don’t have the luxury of down time, I remembered having to continue my daily routine to take care of Chloe day after my first miscarriage, I had no help at all don’t say rest. Many pregnant women may be excited to visit gynae for ultra sound to get an update how’s baby doing but not for me, I dragged my feet to the hospital. I’m afraid the doctor expression changed after looking at the screen, the silence filled room, my heart sank, the tear rolling on my cheek quietly after doctor saw something unusual on screen. That’s my phobia, the scene I pray hard will not happen again. After months and years the memories of the heartache are still vivid.

His plan not mine

Miscarriage has changed me and taught me things. I know clearly that God alone is the one who creates and sustains life, and children are an undeserved, miraculous, and fragile gift no matter how much I try and do to protect the baby – God’s have His own plan.

God will give grace for the future according to His own timing and purpose. Every positive pregnancy test is a hope, and don’t lose hope.

This pregnancy had cross the important milestone of a healthy pregnancy at week 12 but still i’m still constantly in worry every single day. My gynae has been very positive and encouraging on last few appointment, promising is his first word. Heartbeat was strong and detailed scan on week 12 baby is really active and moving around even wave hi to us thru the screen but you don’t know what to expect for the next appointment especially for people like me who experience more than one miscarriage. So I don’t give high hope saying this could be our rainbow baby or blah blah just take it normal and go with the flow. Sometimes i hate myself for having so little faith i should just enjoy all these pregnancy moments and privileges instead of keep worry on things i can’t control but still…

that’s why i need God, He is my shelter whenever i’m weak.

Nesting

I’ve been resting and napping a lot during the days thanks to Ming who arrange school bus for Chloe, and Chloe who nap and cooperate really well every day. We started tingkat for dinner too so I have one less task to do – cooking dinner. Basically my day start with natural waking up in the morning, Ming will settle Chloe and sent her to school. After wash up and breakfast I start my work for 1-2 hour then rest then prepare simple lunch for Chloe and me. I feel grateful that that i decided to let go one of the job at early stage of my pregnancy because i’m surely can’t handle it looking at my severe all-day sickness now. I’ve been vomiting after every meals i can’t keep food down, no intention of eating or urge to eat, nausea and fatigue all day and all i wanted to do was to lay down and rest. Not to mentioned my bad backache start at week 8 it was so bad that standing up from siting position give me a hard time and the sharp pain i can’t really function luckily it stop at week 11. I feel so bloated but didn’t gain any weight till week 16 because of the lack of appetite and throwing up last till week 16 which is way longer than Chloe time. But i’ll take everything as long as baby is healthy.

Sickness

Caught the virus from Chloe another day before coming back from KL it was so bad even my mum got the virus, fever lasted 3 days then accompanied by some abdominal pain and developed some rashes for another 3 days. Again i’m in my worries stage that is baby doing okie with all this sickness? It is normal that i haven’t feel any kick or flutter? This pregnancy have not been smooth so far mostly because of aging and i didn’t take care of my body well last few year after Chloe born but all i can do is surrender the result to God. We are going to our scheduled check up with Prof Tee this Wednesday all i pray is baby is doing well in there.

Chloe Chloe

Bad influence by her ah yi who love bbt, when she was in Sg she went around queuing for bbt and heytea was introduced to Chloe ever since. She love the logo for I don’t know what reason even when I asked her to pose for photo this pose appeared!

Don’t know to laugh or cry.

We’ve been back to KL for 2 weeks for now going back soon to our home sweet home and poor lonely daddy. Is a good recharge although I’ve problem sleeping on my sister bed but all is good when family is always around to help. Chloe developed fever after her 3 days water play with my mum then in-law then my mum. But I’m Glad family wiling to bring her out without me tagging along, she spend great time with in law and her favorite Cousin at the pool and outing. Going shopping with my dad when I’m in a meeting, my dad can’t stop praising her being well behaved never asked to buy anything, listen and can be reason, eating better when they are out too. He once said to me that I’ve taught her well, I feel so touched my decision of spend this early childhood with Chloe got approved by my dad who used to keep asking me back to work when i decide to be sahm is quite a comfort and assurance to me. Maybe he is just a biased grandpa but he is always honest and straight forward to me so this mean a lot to me, and in my memories my dad never brought us out alone when we’re young but he wiling to bring Chloe by himself really amazed me!

I may have loss 4 year worth of salary to indulge, saving to deposit in the bank or travel to more countries. Times spend with my child is never wasted or regretted. Thanks God for this blessing!

Chloe the slow eater

I should appreciate this space more, as i really enjoy reading back what i noted down over the years. I’m surprise i still get comments on and off from those who are reading tell me they enjoy reading what i written here or as me question on things that i mentioned, i thought this space is haunted long time ago that’s why i feel free and open to share my thoughts then any social media platform.

These days i stop posting anything in IG for some reason i choose to be quiet (there’s always this season of my life) get rid of all this influences from social media sometimes is a good detox. So basically i only interact with friends who care to text me personally get updates of each other on and off, that’s the real friendship i appreciate although my friend can count with one hand but as i grow older quality of friends over quantity.

Back to my little girl, recently i feel Chloe rather slow on eating meals and drinking her milk maybe that’s why she’s petite. Which sometimes can be very frustrating to us especially in the morning weird thing is she can finish her milk faster at night before sleep but not in the morning. Daddy who’s the one to bring her to school every morning got really stress up when she’s gonna be late for sure he is going to be late at work too. She’s on the smaller side so doctor say continue with her formula if not we should’ve abandon this milk thingy long ago. Luckily she go to school to have her breakfast if not it will take forever to leave the house.

We try to not rush her so much by waking her up earlier so she can slowly finish up her milk and leisurely walk to school. She is good in general but this eating and drinking is really something she need to improve. I always have meals with her we talked about school and everything while eating, when i’m done i used to wait for her to finish up her food which resulting meal time dragged way too long and i can be very impatient sometimes by feeding her or keep reminding her to eat up. So now i resorted that i should left the dining table by informing her once i finish my food i will left her concentrate on hers (luckily she never left her highchair before her bowl is empty if not that would be another set of problem), which works! she finished her food faster now (not very fast but at least faster) and proudly come to me showing her empty bowl. Finger crossed this works forever!

Ming’s and my parent commented both of us are not food lover since young hence our size so don’t expect Chloe to like food too. But i think that’s not the case is the mindset and the result of tradition weaning method that increase the picky eating behaviors, i am going to try BLW for sure for my next kid hopefully he/she will be more likely to develop positive interest in food and enjoy eating.