Good news?

Yes! We’re expect…(ed) 

Finally after one year of trying! It’s was exactly same time last year I got pregnant then miscarriage a month later, so this time round I need to be more careful and pray for safe pregnancy! If everything goes smooth EDD will be 15 Nov 2018 and age gap between Chloe and her new sibling will be 3 years.

We did quite bit effort last few months because it’s really not easy to conceive, I went tcm for treatment, had supplement, and ahem extra hard working! After don’t know how many OPK used for this result but if it’s not God’s grace, we are still getting negative result! Indeed another gift from God, I really need to surrender my heart and the worries to Him, if not I wouldn’t be enjoy the pregnancy.

Same things happen for every pregnancy i love giving Ming suprise! Plan was to ask Chloe to pass it to him but this clumsy girl drop it on the floor on the moment daddy walked out from the room..then i sheepishly pick it up and pass to him.. He was laughy so much not sure about the lousy surprise or being a Father again and Chloe look so miserable here! haha

This time round other than keeping this journal we are not breaking the news to anyone, not superstitious thingy but I don’t want having the need to explain if anything happen just in case. Since We are going to melb before my first trimester end we should just keep it secret and if come back safe we will then broke the news to everyone.

First Trimester 

Week 5  | leep problem still there no improvement! Ming had bad cough so he slept in the study for few nights, but that doesn’t help with my insomnia! Oh and i found out after first child pregnant with 2nd will give u super bloated tummy, maybe because the skin got strench so much and now it’s more flexible? i woke up in the morning with a flat tummy and it goes bigger and bigger along the day, by night i look like 4 month pregnant! I’m so glad Chloe had reach the age of no need to carry and she perfer to walk and can get some simple stuff like go potty, wash hand, throw rubbish on her own without me helping. If not i can’t imagine how, to carry a toddler while pregnant!

Oh it is baby luck! i won a Bruno Hot Plate!! that’s one of the top items i had in my wishlist, we are so close to buying one already! out of so many contestant i am picked! super lucky!!! Thanks God!!! i so happy and that brighten up my day so much, i brought 2 extension so i can collect it together with my prize.

I’m gonna tell my mum about pregnancy after she come back from her Turkey trip.

Scheduled gynae visit with Prof John on week 7 so can go for another one before heading to Melbourne.

Week 6 | Morning sickness is officially here! Feeling nausea all day long, 🤢 every time I throw rubbish, doing laundry, folding hubby’s socks, Chloe’s poo’ing, market smell, or anything sting just make me feel like puking! Ming find it funny, this baby so clean ah, He said. The metal taste in mouth is here I remember having it when pregnant with Chloe, it only get better if I stuff mouth with food, But right after the eating it’s back! However I hope that’s mean baby is growing well!

Food aversion is real too this round! Everyday there’s a new food craving! So far I craved for Chili panmee, Seafood pasta in tomatoes base (yes that specific, and I don’t even like tomatoes source before this) , McSpicy, today I need my meesua! I ordered ubereats Everyday for tea break! So bad so bad! Let see how much I gain this pregnancy! Chloe time was 11kg, I can foresee its gonna be more kgs this round! Eat non-stop!

Long weekend ahead! No plan just feel like hibernate at home, rest and watch my Korean drama! Chloe being really sweet to her little sibling, she would greet her in the morning, asking “how are you, baby?” Pat her (my tummy) kiss her and hug 🤗 I really hope she will become a caring Sister!

Week 7 |  We are marching into new week! Everything that have strong smell cue puking! This pregnancy i’ve been so so sensitive to smell and i can’t repeat any meal just don’t feel like eating the same things! Keep finding new stuff to eat despite eating so much i didn’t gain any kgs yet. Today we going to visit Prof John! like finally! Hope baby is doing well and hope we can see he/her heartbeat thru ultrasound today! Please please grow well okie! i’m totally okie with all the morning sickness as long as baby is growing well, i remember a friend told me if morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms are strong means baby is growing well! i really hope so!

Being sahm while working from home is extra difficult when come to pregnant i feel. I remember when i was working and pregnant 3 years ago, i got so many privileges (maybe my colleague are really kind people) they help lighten my work as i constantly having nausea, takeaway lunch for me so i don’t need to walk so much, i can take mc to just rest (with no one disturb) or choose to work from home whenever i feel uncomfortable to go to work. This round while having all this pregnancy sickness, i still need to ferry Chloe to and fro from school, cook both lunch and dinner, bath her, play and do activities with her, on top of that complete my works since i not planing to tell my boss yet. As i’m working as part timer with monthly salary i need to complete the tasks without delaying the progress of the company. Sometimes i’m asking myself do i really need the money? but maybe not the money but keep my skills up to dates and follow closely to the design and fashion trends. Now i try to get my daily tasks done before Chloe come back from school so i can nap while she take her afternoon nap, that the only time i can rest. I’m thankful that Ming try his best to help as much as he could whenever he comes home. while typing this i’m hungry again…..

First Gynae Visit | Wake Chloe up from nap she suppose to sleep another 1 hour more, but no choice if not we will be late for appointment. Ming will be meeting us there, got my registration, urine test, blood pressure tested with Chloe followed me everywhere coz daddy haven’t come luckily she’s Super cooperative doesn’t run around or disturb others, just quietly followed whenever I go and observe what I am doing. Meet Prof Tee, have been seeing him every year now and getting very used to his style, he asked I answered Super fast! Haha got ultrasound scanned he say hey we can see baby’s heartbeat today! I’m overjoyed, and he remember last year around same timing we can’t see it yet. So he confidently tell me all is good, just enjoy pregnancy. He also very positive when we ask about our trip just say go ahead and meet him again before we go for the trip! I like him coz he is very experienced and he never talk nonsense or ask you to eat this or that supplements. All the nurses highly rave about him and respect him very much, we’re sure we are in good hand!

Week 8 | This week bloating seem lesser but sleep problem still there, why? baby why don’t let mummy sleep? i’ve been sweating bucket! so much so ill wake up angrily kicking my blanket away even with aircon blasting, poor husband was covered in thick duvet! Same to daytime i’m sweating so much siting near the fan doesn’t help, i officially sweat more than Chloe now.

So lazy to go out these day, thanks to nausea and the ☀️ weather! So meeting friends means breaking the news too, so I just meet close friends whom asked me out. They sure started to asked why I look tired? Is everything okie? Then I’ll tell them I’m expecting since they are close to me…and share some of my burdens and thoughts! Today I had a good breakfast today with my mama Friend after we sent our kids to school, she such a dearly friend to me and I appreciate her a lot! We may not meet or talk very often and once we got time for each other we talk and talk and update non-stop! Really amazing how God let 2 strangers closing path and become Friend and prayer warrior for each other! What she go thru now is much tiring than me but she still so kind and willingly share tips and recipes to make my life easier even offer help, I’m so grateful for her! She’s really a supermama! I hope I can be like her in future, we share same faith same vision being a Mother, when I need advice she’s really the one I look out for! I prayed this transition period of her passed soon so she can have some time for herself to rest and focus on her passion!

Week 9 |  Not sure what trigger the bad throw up last Sunday, i think i vomited all my dinner let’s hope i don’t get hungry later. I have different craving Everyday, keep wanting to eat and non-stop eating. Today when I picked Chloe from school, teacher asked me whether if I am pregnant. Hahah thanks to my Daughter who spread the news to her favorite teacher. She’s been very excited wanting to share this news to everyone she meet or talked on the phone telling them “I am a che che! Mummy stomach got a baby!” Haha I found it really cute!

Today Teacher asked me again: ” Chloe say she’s going to Australia.” i was like ehm haha ya next week. This girl must be really excited la, she been telling us she want to see kangaroo, koala bear, penguin, ehm duck and frog..hahha when she go to Australia. How much my little girl had grown…

Week 10 | Less throwing up pass few days *Thanks God* praying this continue till we come back from the trip! Been stuffing myself with food and food..and more food! Gain about 1 kg for now.. 42kg at week 10. Ming had been buying me food and stock up our food cabinet! Because whenever i get hungry i got really hungry kind and i need food right away this baby really tam chiak!

Things happen for a reason

We went for second Gynae check up as scheduled before the trip, as doctor do the ultrasound he shake his head and said,” not looking good.” Immediately my heart skip a beat please don’t be something serious I say to myself in my heart. Later he say no more heartbeat, I can’t see any. My heart sank, really. Immediately I asked why? What happen?

He explained and give me options to proceed to next step. Tomorrow I need to do another scan for reassurance then go for washing if there’s still no detection of the baby’s heartbeat.

We left hospital with heavy hearted, but I think I’m extra calm compared to first miscarriage that happen same time last year. We discussed what can be done and possibility of me continue our trip. I don’t want to disappoint everyone especially Chloe who has been so looking forward for this trip. Anyway I proceed to meet my friends for dinner in town. I think I’m okie rather than going home grief, I choose to meet them so I can pretend nothing happen, maybe? And I did, I talked and laughed as per normal, but deep in my heart some part is missing. A life that I’m looking forward to welcome is missing, something that I tried to protect these 10 weeks come to an end. Finally my tears flow down from my chin when i reach home. Sorry baby, sorry.

I asked myself, Is it me? Is that my fault i don’t take care of myself and baby well enough? trying to recall what i did that may cause this happen? Am I not fit to be Mother of another child? What is God’s plan? What He want me to learn from all these miscarriage?!it’s been a long while since I cried myself to sleep..It’s second time and hurt even bad.

Heading to the hospital now praying hard to God for miracle, please bless this baby with a heartbeat if not all I can do is to surrender myself. After second scanning, no heartbeat was detected by another doctor with different machine. Meet my gynae he then arranged a operation theater for cleaning surgery to be done, because he want me to go for the trip.

Chloe and Ming was asked left the surgery center, i was escorted to changed and do blood test i was pushed to the operation theater just as what i always seen in the tv. I was shivering so badly in the theater room the air con is blasting mercilessly, I’m alone and afraid all I can do is to pray, at least I have God to depend. They are going to put me in full body anesthesia then do the washing to take the embryo out. It’s gonna be a fast procedure but it’s the longest 30 mins in my life, I don’t know what to expect at all. The Next moment, I wake up to the anesthetist calling my name i can still feel myself shivering badly the nurse immediately put in warm air into my blanket, everything is done..I’m feeling drowsy and tired then sudden sadness hit me when I touch my stomach, I’m crying in silent with both eyes closed the nurse helped me wipe my tears and pat my shoulder.

I spend the next 3 hr in the ward because they said I bleed quite a lot in the surgery they need to monitor my bleeding condition and doctor want to see me again tmr. Anyway I’m have yet to let anyone one include my mum about my condition, I’m not sure I’m ready to explain or tell anything calmly but I’m sure I want to proceed with the trip. Because I know if I stay home I’ll not get any rest, without any help I still needed to cook, take care of Chloe and drop and pick her up from school. So must as well sticking to the Husband throughout the trip and get busy as a tourist rather than stay back and grief in silent.

28.4.18 it’s been a roller coaster 3 days from the heartbreaking news on Thursday, yesterday i was push to surgery room for uterus washing and today we are flying off for our trip. Now all i pray is ask God to bless us with a good trip.

A Time for Everything

1. Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses. 2 He sets the time for birth and the time for death, the time for planting and the time for pulling up.. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Bye little one | week 7- with a heartbeat